Hope

i work in a place that is built on hope - hope that we'll raise the money we need to prevent someone from being diagnosed with cancer, to treat someone who has cancer and to find a cure for so that our children can live in a world without cancer. i live with this hope every day.

and yet... i struggle finding hope in my own life. i have days lately when i wonder if i'll ever find my footing. i have these two little people depending on me and i worry that i won't be able to give them everything they deserve to have.

we're downsizing in the next month to a 2-bedroom apartment. my kids will share a room and i'll save money i need to pay for little things... like daycare and car repairs and maybe, just maybe give us a chance to stay above water more consistently.

most days i know we can do this. but some days... all hope seems lost and i fear we'll never get there. i want more than anything... peace of mind. to sleep a full night without waking up at 3am wondering how i'm going to pay my bills. to have a relationship that isn't stretched across miles and miles. to give my kids all the things they need to grow and thrive and be all they can be. to know that in the end.. the three of us will be ok.

i want hope. without fail. without question. hope in the possibilities that tomorrow brings.

goodbyes

i said goodbye to a friend yesterday - a friend who has been a steady support for me over this last year as i've left my husband and embarked on a new life on my own. today i am profoundly feeling that loss of a friend by my side who's supported me in more ways than i had known.

all of this has gotten me thinking about who i am and where i am heading. my life seems to have become so unpredictable lately. it seems as if i'm constantly battling something.. whether it's paying my bills, parenting my children, figuring out the changes in my own body and on and on.

before i left my husband life was predictable. it wasn't a good life, but i knew what to expect. now, i am more at peace in so many ways and yet i'm feeling so lost right now. unsettled.

this is all part of the process, right? and some day... at some point... it will all come together? at this point, i have to believe that.