I'm moving

to wordpress...

http://formyreds.wordpress.com

my son...

i shared this the other day on a forum i frequent. my boy is growing up to be someone i greatly admire.

the other day we stopped for dinner on the way home from counseling. my treat for making him endure the torture of having to talk to someone for an hour. we went to taco bell - his choice - on route 1 - pretty busy road. As we drove up there was a homeless person on the island in the middle with a sign. my boy wanted to give him some money. he said "i have 4 dollars mom. i could give him some."

so, we pulled in to taco bell. he pulled out all his change and i grabbed some of mine and he pulled together $1.48. we crossed the road and met the man in the middle. he thought we were just walking but we stopped and my boy handed him the change. that man smiled and said "god bless." i got a little tear in my eye. we walked back and it was obvious the little guy was clearly moved. "i enjoyed that mom. i like helping people." he talked about it all through dinner.

when we came out there was homeless woman in the same spot. "mom" my boy said "i still have some money." we ended up driving around and he gave her $1.00. And while waited at the light he continued to look back at her and smile. and then, on the way home, started talking about how he could save up and we could drive around and find people to give dollars to. cause it's good to help people, isn't it mom?

my boy has been challenging me the last few mornings, but last night.... last night i couldn't have been prouder or more honored to be his mother. he reminds me every day that i'm doing something right. and that regardless of his father's involvement, or lack of involvement, my boy continues to thrive.

the bump in the road

i'm realizing, day by day... sometimes minute by minute... that my life is a series of bumps in the road. or, at least, it has been. i've spent so much of my life wishing life could just be easier. that i could catch a break. that i wouldn't have to struggle so much. and yet... it's the struggles that have made me who i am.

this week i let go of someone very dear to me. as hard as it was and is, it was harder to continue with something knowing that i wasn't getting what i really needed. would i have seen this if i hadn't lived through a failing marriage? would i have had the strength to speak up if i hadn't spoken up in at other points in my life?

i'm trying to appreciate the bumps - to appreciate what they give me and the ways they help me grow. to grieve when i need to and then pick myself up and continue on.

at least until i hit the next bump.

Hope

i work in a place that is built on hope - hope that we'll raise the money we need to prevent someone from being diagnosed with cancer, to treat someone who has cancer and to find a cure for so that our children can live in a world without cancer. i live with this hope every day.

and yet... i struggle finding hope in my own life. i have days lately when i wonder if i'll ever find my footing. i have these two little people depending on me and i worry that i won't be able to give them everything they deserve to have.

we're downsizing in the next month to a 2-bedroom apartment. my kids will share a room and i'll save money i need to pay for little things... like daycare and car repairs and maybe, just maybe give us a chance to stay above water more consistently.

most days i know we can do this. but some days... all hope seems lost and i fear we'll never get there. i want more than anything... peace of mind. to sleep a full night without waking up at 3am wondering how i'm going to pay my bills. to have a relationship that isn't stretched across miles and miles. to give my kids all the things they need to grow and thrive and be all they can be. to know that in the end.. the three of us will be ok.

i want hope. without fail. without question. hope in the possibilities that tomorrow brings.

goodbyes

i said goodbye to a friend yesterday - a friend who has been a steady support for me over this last year as i've left my husband and embarked on a new life on my own. today i am profoundly feeling that loss of a friend by my side who's supported me in more ways than i had known.

all of this has gotten me thinking about who i am and where i am heading. my life seems to have become so unpredictable lately. it seems as if i'm constantly battling something.. whether it's paying my bills, parenting my children, figuring out the changes in my own body and on and on.

before i left my husband life was predictable. it wasn't a good life, but i knew what to expect. now, i am more at peace in so many ways and yet i'm feeling so lost right now. unsettled.

this is all part of the process, right? and some day... at some point... it will all come together? at this point, i have to believe that.

Compassion

it's a funny thing. I've always considered myself to be a pretty compassionate person, in spite of my own share of hardships. I've always attempted to stay positive, focus on the good, look at the silver lining, all that good stuff.

And yet here I am dealing with someone who has seemingly drained me of all compassion and empathy. In my heart I know it would be best for me, for him and for our children to accept his apologies, hope for the best and move on. But I'm stuck. I've spent years listening to apologies that were hollow and held no meaning. I know better than to believe that this time he'll pull it together and do the right thing. He won't. He never does. He can't put aside whatever hurt he may be feeling and treat me like the human being I am. He still can't give me the respect I have always wanted.

So I struggle because, as I see it, compassion is what he needs. Because to be that empty in life, to hold on to such anger and hurt and let it impact your ability to be a good person or a good father must be a lonely place to be.

I have a feeling I'll be struggling for a while on this.

I survived

my first Thanksgiving without my children. And it was pretty nice. I surely did miss them but I enjoyed spending my time with my mom and my uncle. And, I posted in a few places yesterday that I've come to appreciate the fact that I have a home to come home to. I haven't really thought of my mother's home as "home" in years, mostly because I had created a home for my family and I elsewhere. And while I'm working on recreating that home for my children and I, I've grown closer to my mother over the last few months.

My dad left her in 1997, and while I've always thought he should have left sooner (or she should have left sooner), it was a hard time for her. She has a lot of wisdom to share with me these days and because my soon-to-be-ex didn't really "like" my family we haven't been as close these past few years as we could have been. It's refreshing to reclaim my former life and reclaim a bit of who I really am and who I've been "hiding" all these years.

Happy Thanksgiving indeed.