Hope

i work in a place that is built on hope - hope that we'll raise the money we need to prevent someone from being diagnosed with cancer, to treat someone who has cancer and to find a cure for so that our children can live in a world without cancer. i live with this hope every day.

and yet... i struggle finding hope in my own life. i have days lately when i wonder if i'll ever find my footing. i have these two little people depending on me and i worry that i won't be able to give them everything they deserve to have.

we're downsizing in the next month to a 2-bedroom apartment. my kids will share a room and i'll save money i need to pay for little things... like daycare and car repairs and maybe, just maybe give us a chance to stay above water more consistently.

most days i know we can do this. but some days... all hope seems lost and i fear we'll never get there. i want more than anything... peace of mind. to sleep a full night without waking up at 3am wondering how i'm going to pay my bills. to have a relationship that isn't stretched across miles and miles. to give my kids all the things they need to grow and thrive and be all they can be. to know that in the end.. the three of us will be ok.

i want hope. without fail. without question. hope in the possibilities that tomorrow brings.

goodbyes

i said goodbye to a friend yesterday - a friend who has been a steady support for me over this last year as i've left my husband and embarked on a new life on my own. today i am profoundly feeling that loss of a friend by my side who's supported me in more ways than i had known.

all of this has gotten me thinking about who i am and where i am heading. my life seems to have become so unpredictable lately. it seems as if i'm constantly battling something.. whether it's paying my bills, parenting my children, figuring out the changes in my own body and on and on.

before i left my husband life was predictable. it wasn't a good life, but i knew what to expect. now, i am more at peace in so many ways and yet i'm feeling so lost right now. unsettled.

this is all part of the process, right? and some day... at some point... it will all come together? at this point, i have to believe that.

Compassion

it's a funny thing. I've always considered myself to be a pretty compassionate person, in spite of my own share of hardships. I've always attempted to stay positive, focus on the good, look at the silver lining, all that good stuff.

And yet here I am dealing with someone who has seemingly drained me of all compassion and empathy. In my heart I know it would be best for me, for him and for our children to accept his apologies, hope for the best and move on. But I'm stuck. I've spent years listening to apologies that were hollow and held no meaning. I know better than to believe that this time he'll pull it together and do the right thing. He won't. He never does. He can't put aside whatever hurt he may be feeling and treat me like the human being I am. He still can't give me the respect I have always wanted.

So I struggle because, as I see it, compassion is what he needs. Because to be that empty in life, to hold on to such anger and hurt and let it impact your ability to be a good person or a good father must be a lonely place to be.

I have a feeling I'll be struggling for a while on this.

I survived

my first Thanksgiving without my children. And it was pretty nice. I surely did miss them but I enjoyed spending my time with my mom and my uncle. And, I posted in a few places yesterday that I've come to appreciate the fact that I have a home to come home to. I haven't really thought of my mother's home as "home" in years, mostly because I had created a home for my family and I elsewhere. And while I'm working on recreating that home for my children and I, I've grown closer to my mother over the last few months.

My dad left her in 1997, and while I've always thought he should have left sooner (or she should have left sooner), it was a hard time for her. She has a lot of wisdom to share with me these days and because my soon-to-be-ex didn't really "like" my family we haven't been as close these past few years as we could have been. It's refreshing to reclaim my former life and reclaim a bit of who I really am and who I've been "hiding" all these years.

Happy Thanksgiving indeed.

Changes

My life is a transition. Separated from my husband, new home, new school for my son, new daycare for daughter - a whole new way of life really. While I'm where I want to be I feel myself grieving for what could have been, should have been. A necessary step I've been told.

This week I'll celebrate Thanksgiving with my mother and my uncle. My children will be with their father. It will be my first Thanksgiving without them since Eric was born 7 years ago. It will be the first Thanksgiving I haven't hosted in almost as many years.

And so it begins... a new life where I do not have to settle for a loveless marriage and an absent partner. A life where I can be the person I'm meant to be and my children can grow up in a home that is safe and warm and full of love. A life that will be all it should be.